Chamber of Secrets What Really Happened
by hpfanattic
Summary: Crack!fic Oneshot. What happens when posed the question "Why didn't the basilisk eat everyone instead of petrifying them and leaving them?" at 1:00am.


Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (What _Really _Happened)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter, which will become quite obvious after reading this story…

"Ugh. Ron, that is disgusting!" Ron Weasley, twelve-year-old chess genius and best friend to the famous Harry Potter, yes, that Harry Potter, turned to face his other friend Hermione as she whined at him again.

"Wha af I doig wrog?" he demanded, mouth stuffed with enough food to feed two third world countries for a month. Hermione glared at him, but decided to ignore her friend's bad eating habits for once.

"Never mind. I'm going back to the common room. You're welcome to join me when you're done engorging yourself." With a flip of her bushy hair that knocked over a group of Hufflepuff first years, Hermione stalked out of the Great Hall in the direction of the Gryffindor common room.

"Wha's her prollem?" Run turned to face his other side as he asked his other friend Harry Potter, yes, that Harry Potter.

"No clue mate." Harry Potter answered him absentmindedly while looking at his reflection on the back of his spoon. "Hey – do you think that all of this red makes me look-" but Harry Potter was not able to get an answer to his incomplete question as he was interrupted by an ear-piercing screech from outside the Great Hall. Ron grabbed his plate as he and Harry Potter tried to get out of the all to investigate the sound, but they were caught in a crowd of other equally curious students who wanted to be the first to check out the newest bit of gossip at Hogwarts. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully pushing towards the doors (Ron and Harry Potter were only second years, therefore not really big enough to force anyone out of their way), Ron had an idea.

"Oi! Everyone move out of the way! Harry Potter, yes, that Harry Potter, wants to find out what's going on and you're all in his way!" Of course, since Ron was a chess genius, he always had amazing strategizing skills and his plan worked perfectly… well… almost.

"Why should I move out of _your_ way _Weasley_? I, Draco Malfoy, am much more important than you or Harry Potter, therefore, I should get to see this disturbance first. It's probably just some stupid mudblood anyways!" Draco Malfoy himself had decided to do whatever he could to stop Harry Potter and Ron from reaching the doors. Unfortunately for him, he, like Harry Potter and Ron, was only a second year and was no bigger than them, so they were able to bowl him over as they rushed past him to the Entrance Hall that led to the staircase and the mysterious scream. They headed up the stairs only to bump into Hermione halfway up the first flight of stairs.

"Hermione!" Harry Potter shouted. "Did you hear where that horrible scream come from? It hurt my delicate ears!" Hermione said nothing. She just stood there pointing at something that they couldn't quite see around her hair. "Come on Hermione. If you're not going to tell us, you could at least let us pass you by!" Several gasps were audible from the crowd that was gathering at the bottom of the staircase as they could see around to the other side of Hermione. Frustrated, Harry Potter attempted to push past her up the stairs, but he couldn't get her to move… it was almost as if she were petrified… After shoving a bit more, Ron became frustrated and headed back to the Great Hall and get more food to eat since he had finished everything that he had carried out with him. Harry Potter continued trying to get Hermione to move, becoming more and more agitated as she stayed solidly in place.

"Move already! I don't care who you are! I'm Harry Potter, yes, that Harry Potter, and you have to do what I say! Aren't you supposed to be doing my potions essay in the common room by now anyways?" Suddenly, Hermione shifted up and out of Harry Potter's path to discovery. "Finally!" he shouted. He was too absorbed in his own success at getting the stubborn girl out of his way to notice that Hermione wasn't actually moving, just floating up into the air, or to see what was on the other side of her.

The rest of the students could see past Hermione from the bottom of the staircase and began to shriek in fear. They saw a huge acid green thing lifting the bushy-haired second year as if she were nothing. Harry Potter was still to busy glorying in his own success to notice that one of his best friends was floating into the air in front of him, and that his other friend had abandoned them in search of something chocolate covered or deep fried. He did notice a strange voice above him: "Not much, but she will have to do. Hopefully she'll last longer than that cat last week."

Cat? Last week? All that Harry Potter remembered from the previous week (besides making Ron's stupid little sister faint by smiling at her… what was her name again… Jenny? Oh well) was Filch screaming something at him about Mrs. Norris disappearing during supper. He looked up to see who it was just in time to see a floating Hermione disappear into a gaping jaw just above his head. It was some sort of gigantic snake! Screaming, Harry Potter turned, but then looked back as he heard that strange voice again. "Ahhhhhh. Young blood, how delic-" The voice was cut off as the snake started thrashing about, a large lump appearing just below it's head. Harry Potter heard an anguished scream as everyone else panicked from the crazed hissing they heard from the flailing beast overhead.

Suddenly, the great dirty snake stopped moving altogether, then, almost in slow motion, started falling forwards. A small, confused redheaded girl appeared from behind the monster as it fell.

"Huh? Where am I?" she questioned as she stepped forward and, disorientated as she was, fell down the stairs only to land on her hero, Harry Potter. They tumbled to the ground together just in time for the snake (which a few students where were learned enough to realize that it was and ancient basilisk) to land on top of them, crushing them both under its enormous body. Ron emerged from the Great Hall with another plate of food just in time to see his best friend and little sister crushed to death by a giant snake that had just choked to death on his other best friend's humongous petrified hair. Coincidentally, the basilisk fell with it's mouth open to just the right angle to puncture both Ginny Weasley and her new diary with it's sharpest fang. This was the end of Harry Potter, yes, that Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Tom Riddle, yes, Lord Voldemort. And the rest of the wizarding world lived happily ever after… at least until Sirius Black received news of his godson's death, went mad with sorrow, escaped from Azkaban, and went on a two-hour killing spree… but that's another story.

The End

**A/N: **I can't believe I just wrote that… anyhow, this is what happens when I am posed the question "Why didn't the basilisk just eat everyone instead of petrifying them and leaving in CoS?" at 1 in the morning.


End file.
